I’ve been learning about shame and guilt lately. As a writer, those words sound very similar to me. In fact, their psychological impacts couldn’t be more dissimilar. Guilt is normal and even helpful, while shame can have a toxic mental health effect. Let’s talk about how we all experience guilt and even shame but how guilt can help us and shame can harm us.
Understanding Guilt: A Healthy Emotion for Positive Change
Guilt is a common and natural psychological emotion that can help guide behavior and personal growth.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), guilt is:
“a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.”
American Psycholocial Association
I feel it every time I don’t tip a barista. I feel self-conscious about it, but it’s a fleeting, unpleasant emotion. It might motivate me to tip my regular barista next time.
While guilt is often healthy as it can motivate positive change, guilt also has the ability to get out of control. People can start to feel guilty about absolutely everything, and that’s not healthy. I’ve certainly been known to feel guilty far too often when I’m depressed. That’s not surprising, being that excessive guilt is an actual symptom of depression.
I would also argue that excessive guilt can turn into toxic shame, but more on that in a bit.
What Is Toxic Shame? The Psychology Behind This Harmful Emotion
Shame, particularly toxic shame, is a psychologically damaging emotion that many people experience but few understand fully (or even a little).
According to the APA, shame is:
“a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse—for example, by hiding or distracting the attention of another from one’s shameful action—which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships. Shame may motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive, retaliative anger. Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between proneness to shame and a host of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also theorized to play a more positive adaptive function by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and by diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.”
American Psychological Association
So, (simplified) while guilt motivates you to mitigate something you did that you feel was wrong, toxic shame motivates you to remove yourself from a situation altogether because you are the thing that is wrong. And worse yet, shame makes you feel so bad about yourself that it can manifest as defensive rage.
As mentioned by the APA, because shame is so drastic, it harms you and your relationships. Excessive shame is related to mental illness and low self-esteem.
As the APA notes, shame is not all bad. It may be positive in that it can motivate you to change inappropriate conduct by threatening social punishment. This positive might be seen when shame is rare and due to a truly shameful act, but this positive is not seen with toxic shame as it often appears over small perceived infractions. That’s what makes it toxic shame.
Personal Stories of Guilt and Shame: Lessons on Mental Health
I’m far too familiar with guilt and shame. I think that’s because of my extreme familiarity with depression. The thing is, I never realized how much depression was driving my shame and just how toxic and harmful my shame was.
As I said, I tend to feel guilty about everything when depressed. This is awful because it leads to me feeling like I’ve done the “wrong” thing all day long. This means I feel like I can’t do the “right” thing no matter what. And if all I do is the wrong thing, and if I never do the right thing, then I feel awfully bad about myself, indeed (worthlessness being tied to guilt and another symptom of depression).
This was a recognizable cycle for me. Toxic shame wasn’t so recognizable. I could understand how what I did made me feel bad about making perceived mistakes (no matter how inaccurate that perception may be). In other words, guilt showed me what I did was wrong. I didn’t understand that feeling shame made me feel bad about myself. In other words, toxic shame made me feel that I was wrong.
An Example of Toxic Shame
My apartment is a disaster. I often joke that FEMA is on the way or that people need HAZMAT suits to enter. One day, someone was coming into my apartment, and I apologized for its state, as per the usual. I then said something like, “Believe me, I’m ashamed I live this way.”
He said that he could understand embarrassment but not shame.
Now I understand why he said that. What he was saying is that while having a messy apartment may be embarassing to some, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. But to me, it does feel like a messy apartment is evidence that I am wrong.
And in short, that is why shame is toxic. I am not wrong or bad; it’s just the toxic shame that’s making me think and feel like I am.
Overcoming Toxic Shame: Tips for Emotional Recovery
Overcoming toxic shame is no mean feat, and I’m certainly still working on it myself. As I said, shame itself is normal, so the goal is not to get rid of shame entirely but to make sure it isn’t a negative influence in your life.
Steps to overcome toxic shame include:
- Recognize guilt and shame. The first step is always being able to spot the presence of the emotions in your head. Pay attention to when you feel bad about your actions or yourself. Pay attention to when you want to recede from social situations. These are cues you are feeling guilt or shame.
- Recognize toxic shame. If you feel shame and it convinces you that you are bad or wrong, that is toxic shame. Flag this whenever it happens.
- Challenge your inner critic. Remind yourself that toxic shame is not true. Shame is real, but the idea that you are “wrong” is not. A messy apartment (or a mistake, or a quality you don’t like, etc.) doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Seek out connection. This is a classic case of when you need to act the opposite. Instead of receding like shame wants you to do, seek out connection instead. Your supportive connections will remind you, just like my friend did, that while you may not be perfect, you are not bad either.
- Focus on self-compassion. I’m working on self-kindness and self-compassion to soften my inner critic. While there are legitimate reasons I need my inner critic, it doesn’t have to be as nasty as it often is. (A great self-compassion resource is here.)
- Get professional help. If you’re experiencing shame that really makes you feel you are “bad,” you likely need professional help. This might mean treating the depression that’s giving toxic shame its power or seeing a psychologist to develop skills that combat your overreactive feelings of shame. Either way, toxic shame can be hard to handle on your own.
Final Thoughts on Guilt Vs. Shame
Guilt can guide us toward better choices, but toxic shame erodes our mental health and relationships. By understanding the difference between these emotions and taking steps to overcome shame, we can break free from its grip and find greater peace and contentedness.
If you’ve struggled with shame or guilt, you’re not alone. Share your experiences in the comments — I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s start a conversation about breaking free from the toxicity of shame.
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