You were so into catching up with family and friends at the holiday party. “Damn, it’s Anthony. We should have rolled out the red carpet for the arrogant and abusive creep.” Want to know how to handle a narcissist? We’ll turn to an expert.
’It’s great until it isn’t, and often then it seems too far into a relationship to break it off.’
The story goes that Narcissus turned away the romantic advances of the nymph, Echo.
Well, the gods didn’t appreciate it, so they made him fall in love with his reflection in a pool of water. And when he discovered that the object of his love couldn’t return the affection, he pined away and died.
Intro
Browsing about the web, I found the perfect post-holidays subject matter. Appearing on Ohio State News, “How to deal with narcissists at home and at work,” dated December 19, was written by Jeff Grabmeir.
The piece summarizes an invited research article published recently in the journal Cambridge Elements, by Dr. Amy Brunell, psychology professor at The Ohio State University’s Mansfield campus. Studying narcissism for over 20 years, she’s considered an expert.
I posted an article three years ago that’ll serve as excellent reference info here: Narcissistic personality disorder: What you need to know.
How to handle a narcissist
When it comes to handling a narcissist, Dr. Brunell lays it right on the line: identify them early on and get them out of your life,
Now, she acknowledges it can be difficult to do, and it’s important to understand why. Narcissists can be charming, likable, flattering, and supply a lot of attention early in a relationship.
That said, there are usually subtle signs that you should not ignore.
Protecting yourself
Though researchers have identified different types of narcissism, according to Brunell, entitlement, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy for others are at the foundation for all of them.
The most recognizable type to most people is likely agentic narcissism, characterized by high self-esteem, extraversion, arrogance, and dominance.
This is the one that can sweep people off their feet – at first.
Dr. Brunell…
People are surprised when I say this, but when I meet someone who is very charming and outgoing, I am on alert.
She acknowledges that there are charming and likable folks who aren’t narcissists. But her 20 plus years of study and research say it’s wise to be aware and protect yourself.
Love-bombing
Dr, Brunell points out that there may be signs of narcissism early on. Included may be lack of empathy, a need for constant attention and admiration, taking advantage of others, and expectations of special favors without reciprocation.
But there’s a biggie to watch for – love bombing. Featured are excessive flattery, gift-buying, and overwhelming attention early in a relationship.
Brunell emphasizes all may seem heavenly in the beginning, but it doesn’t last. And that’s because love-bombing is a manipulative tactic narcissists use to control a romantic partner.
To the point…
It’s great until it isn’t, and often then it seems too far into a relationship to break it off. That’s why it is best to look for these signs early.
Long-term relationships
Let’s say you didn’t catch, or ignored, the early warning signs, and now you’re in a long-term relationship. What now?
According to Dr. Brunell, there’s recent research that may deliver hope. For instance, there’s a study that found that people who were asked to take someone else’s perspective in a situation were more empathetic – even those who were narcissistic.
Another study found that when narcissists recalled a time “when they showed concern, love or acceptance for another person,” their narcissism declined over time.
Dr. Brunell…
These lines of research and others like them show promise and suggest that narcissists don’t lack the ability to change their ways for the better.
Still, how it works and how long the effects will last in the “real world” are unknowns.
How to handle a narcissist at work
“You see that crown? That means I’m the boss, deserve to be the boss, and you’ll do what I say.”
So far we’ve worked within the realm of our personal lives. But since most folks spend at least a third of their lives at work, and bosses and supervisors may be narcissists, we need to bring it to the discussion.
Narcissistic bosses
Perhaps you don’t need the heads-up: narcissistic bosses are often aggressive and bullying, take credit from their employees, and dominate resources that are needed by others to do their jobs.
If you need to do something about a narcissist boss. Dr. Brunell recommends working through formal processes provided by your employer. Employee assistance programs (EAPs) and human resource offices can help. Of course, that may not work in every organization.
She goes on to say it’s important to keep in mind that narcissistic leaders often succeed because of their charm and aggressiveness in getting things done. Employees can deal with it by making sure they have clear boundaries in the relationships with narcissistic superiors.
Brunell…
If you have an appointment, go in, get what you need and get out. Do what you need to manage the situation without any extra engagement.
She adds that just like in personal relationships, it’s often best to get out – simply transfer within the company or leave the job if it’s possible,
Stay free and safe
If you’ve had a narcissist in your personal or work life – maybe you do now – you know how important Dr. Brunell’s work is.
Of course, there’s the matter of doing something about it.
If you haven’t in some way been involved with a narcissist, go beyond considering yourself lucky. Keep your narc radar working and do what it takes to stay free and safe.
If you’d like, review the Ohio State News piece: How to deal with narcissists at home and at work.
And for a more in depth look at the study, check out Dating a narcissist? Best thing to do is leave, study concludes on StudyFinds.
Hey, if you’re looking for even more reading material, go ahead and peruse the Chipur info and inspiration titles. You’ll be glad you did.
After a decades-long battle with panic, generalized anxiety, fluctuating moods, and alcohol dependence; Bill finally found his life’s passion and work – lending a hand to those in the same boat. At age 49 he hit grad school and earned his counseling credentials. And he continues his service through Chipur and other projects.
